69 Hues of Deez Nuts 11: Ferris Bueller's Gay Off
by BusterManwomb
Summary: In a world where baked goods lie in wait, and tables can withstand most sexual furies, Ferris Bueller's testicles are shriveled up like raisins, and there can be only one who can help.
1. Chapatero Uno

69 hues of deez nutz 11: Ferris Bueller's Gay off

About the Author:

Having created a first draft of "Ferris Bueller's Gay Off" that ultimately had to be discarded because it was identical to the 1986 Classic "Highlander" if Roxanne Hart was replaced with Mr T and the Queen soundtrack was replaced with Electric light Orchestra, Buster Manwomb decided to experiment with the harder stuff before trying again. Moving from powdered eggs to French's Extra Spicy Dijon Mustard, they sincerely hope the end product was worth the blood loss.

Chapter 1: Sonc the Hedhog fuck mah wife!

"Hi, I'm Ferris Bueller the hedgehog, and I can't have children!" A man that looked like Matthew Broderick wearing a feather banana hammock, a wig made of blue pylons, and comically oversized sneakers looked STRAIGHT into the camera. "Look!"

He held up a jar that looked like he hadn't rinsed out the grape jelly before masturbating into it. The fruity coagulated mass of baby syrup contained but one sperm.

"My seed is watery and weak!" Ferris Bueller the hedgehog loudly lamented. "I am as virile and sexually capable as this sample is untainted by grape jelly! Look upon it! It has but one sperm, and it wants to be a Twitch Streamer!"

"Fertilize me, father!" the sperm wailed. "I wish to convince the masses to like and subscribe!"

"A failure!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog cast the jar of but one screaming sperm into the fire. "I have one sole hope to bear progeny, and the testicles involved are not my own!"

Ferris Bueller the hedgehog twisted his face to the camera. His grin was wide and toothy. Why were his gums bleeding? Who cares about dental hygiene when you can not have kids. "Now I know what you are thinking?! WHO, is fit to make me, Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog, of stiff penis and limp balls, some babies?" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's eye twitched. "LET me answer your question, with, a question!"

Nobody was really asking, but Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog slammed the kitchen table he sat at to give the built suspense an explosive climax. "WHO-"

He spaced out.

….

"STARRED IN GAMES AS WRETCHED AND EROTIC AS SONIC BOOM: THE RISE OF LYRIC ON… on… Fuck, was it the Apple Pippin? one of those forgettable consoles… Meh. AND WHY? How could a hedgehog star in games so wretched that the lesser of fans would rend the skin off their own flesh to induce a sense of comparative pleasure? Well, because He's just so COOL!"

Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog lost himself a moment, wailing about how cool Sonic the Hedgehog was cool. Just so cool. So very fucking cool. Oh his fucking god how could one hedgehog be so fucking cool? Fuuuuuuuuuck.

As he wailed, he slammed his head onto the table, making the salt and pepper shaker in front of him jump like mexican beans.

Returning to reality, Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog snapped towards the camera, the flesh of his face trailing a full second behind where his skull had moved. "I will accept no children of unworthy seed, and that is why I need Sonic the Hedgehog to fuck my wife! Please fuck my wife, Sonic the hedgehog! Fuck my wife PLEASE, Sonic the Hedgehog! SANC! FUK WIF! AAAAAAAH-"

Sonic the Hedgehog had no idea who this strange and hedgehog man was that had broken into his kitchen. All he knew was that he definitely lost his appetite for the Lucky Charms he was eating: A baffling amount of Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's spittle had sprayed into the milk.

"First of all… Will you please stop banging your head against the table?" Sonic asked. "I got it for a steal on Craigslist. I don't want to actually pay money on a replacement."

Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog gasped as Sonic spoke, his eyes tripling in size. "Gasp, you spoke to me!"

"Second question" Sonic blurted. " How the fuck do you have a wife?"

"I have her right here!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog held up a twitching burlap sack, the dimensions of which were perfect for holding a liter of kittens.

"Oh, Jesus shitting fuckbiscuits." Sonic the Hedgehog retched as Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog upended the bag.

A beachball-sized latex mask of Supreme Leader Snoke fell onto the table with a greasy *plop!*. It was filled with vaseline and Hotwheels. A greasy Hulk-themed minivan was pushing through of it's eye sockets.

"Her name is Bob!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog declared. "I beg of you, Sonic the Hedgehog, fire of my imagination, target of my worship, dominator of my porn drive! Please, impregnate my wife!"

"Are you sure that *you're* the reason you can't have kiiiiiiii-" Sonic trailed of as the Hulk-themed minivan popped out of Bob's eye socket, and their gazes met. Sonic was entranced. Off-key 70s synth music swelled in the background, in conjunction with the swelling of his loins. A thin line of drool ran down the corner of his mouth. "I'll do it."

"Yeeeeeee!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog squealed joyously. "Where you you want Bob to be when she receives your genitals? Your bedroom? The couch?"

"No." Sonic said, entranced by Bob's greasy curves, he lithely climbed onto the table. "Here. Now. We sex here on the table."

"Cool!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog exclaimed. "Can I watch?"

""Have you listened to any of Gary Glitter's music on the radio since he was caught doing the Priestly Mambo?" Sonic asked.

"Shamefully, yes." Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog answered.

"There's your answer." Sonic confirmed before slowly sitting with his legs apart on the table, turning to Bob. Slowly, he hike up his pants. "Now… Bob… are you ready to receive my oft-caricatured love twinkie?"

Bob sat motionless on the table. Bless her heart, she was probably star struck.

"Then prepare, my latex sperm receptacle, for my Amaziiing PEEEENIS!"

There was a hobbit door in between Sonic's milky smooth legs. It pushed open with a slow creak.

"Gasp!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog gasp as Sonic the Hedgehog's penis walked out.

"Hidilly doodily! Who's getting the diddly?"


	2. Chapitero Dunce: Eclectic Bungalow

About the Author:

Buster Manwomb's fursona is a pug, since they are also an adorable perversion of Nature's laws.

Chapter 2: Bum Diddly!

Ned Flanders stretched in the sunlight, showing off his ripped, sinewy body. His only clothes were a pride-colored banana hammock, which was so form-fitting, it was like he was wearing nothing at all.

"Oh my stars and/or fucking garters." Ferris Bueller said, his dry winkle swelling in his pants. "I never thought this day would come."

"Hidilly Doodly neighborinos!" Ned Flanders said, dangling from between Sonic's legs as he crawled onto the table, his eyes wide and lidless, his breath shallow and sexual.

Bob fell backwards, making a sound like when you stretch out a fist that was covered in too much moisturizer..

"So… FUCKING… sexy!" Sonic grunted as he sensually grasped Bob's ears. as he tugged his penis closer, Ned Flanders gritted his teeth.

"Wait-arino!" Ned Flanders begged.

"What?" Sonic paused frustratedly, looking down at his penis. "You already went to church today!"

"You're going to fast again, Masterino!" Ned Flanders explained. "You can't do the diddly without the fore-pliddly!"

"Ah, of course!" Sonic responded, slapping his forehead. "How silly of me! Thank you, my loyal penis! You would think I have never impregnated a latex mask before! Commence the FOREPLAY!"

"Hell FUCKING yes!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog cheered, punching the air like he just won the lottery. Not only was he witnessing his wife being pleasured in a sexual capacity by sonic the hedgehog, but his ubereats has arrived.

A very confused nineteen year old had handed Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog a plastic pail of macaroni and cheese before sprinting out of the house and quitting. Ferris Bueller the hedgehog ate the macaroni with whichever hand he wasn't masturbating with.

"Oh gigglety!" Ned Flanders said as Sonic firmly grasped his legth, rubbing his head around ine of Bob's most womanly of her puckered orifices, before twitching his waist and plunging Ned Flander's head cheekily into Bob's vaseline-soaked eye socket.

"Oh YES!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog mewled with sexually majestic sexuality, pummeling his juicy man-clit with the hand that wasn't shoveling mac and cheese into his yearning cake socket. "Yes, Sonic the Hedgehog, rim my wife's greasy eye socket with Ned Flanders! moisten her up with your bafflingly fresh, and COOL introductory sexual interactions! Oh GOD I wish my parents loved me!"

"Well fiddle dew dee!" Ned Flanders horked up a soaked mass of vaseline as he was tugged from Bob's juicy feminine eye socket. "Eye think It's time for the vaginerinoe, fuckerino!"

Suddenly Sonics eyes went blood red. "Yeeeeeeeeeeees…. Let's get…. _vaginal."_

"Oh my god." Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's eyes widened like a deer in the headlights if the headlights were fucking his wife, as he looked with anticipation. "Ohmygodohmygod OH. MY. FUCKING. God!"

Sonic's bones creaked like the floor of an old victorian building with termites as he shifted position, lining up Ned Flanders with a fleshlight wedged into Bob's neck cavity, then tugging out a DeLorean hotwheels he noticed was wedged in the fleshlight that would have done to Ned Flanders what t-shirts and concrete did to Maude Flanders. Once the path was clear, Sonic PLUNGED Ned Flanders deep into Bob's vaginal masses of fleshlight and petroleum jelly.

"Oh FUCK yes!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog cheered, tugging at his vas deferens with the anatomically inaccurate sensual fury usually reserved for male writers describing female masturbation. "Smear your genitals inside my wife's genitals! Soak her fallopian tubes in your toothpaste of love! SCREAM with the stanky wet force of a public mastorbator being ignored by police because he's in a minority-dominant community! Pump thine seed unto mine wife's seed like she isn't a latex mask filled with the contents of David Kronenburg's childhood toy box! Fuck her with your penis!"

And boy oh boy was Sonic fucking Bob with his penis. His blue hairy hips shook like Michael J Fox was turning down for what. Sonic makes the moistest penis sounds as he pumped Ned Flanders into the mass of fleshlight and vaseline, and made the _gooshiest_ schlorp sounds as he was tugged out, all while Ned Flanders sung the song of his people.

"Diddly-iddly-iddly-oodily-iddly-ooddily-froodily-oodily-addily-CUM TIME NOWbleurgh!"

And so did what Shakespeare himself would call "shitting assloads of fucking jizz, brih!" leak in near-perpetual plentifulness from Ned Flanders's Bob-soaked head. Sonic passed out from the sexual satisfaction.

"Yes!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog cheered as Sonic fell backwards, deflated. Rushing to Bob, his wife, he took her baby-syrup-soaked mass unto his hands. "Bob, my bootyful wife! How pregnant do you feel?"

Bob coughed a mass of vaseline and hedgehog semen into Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's face. He struggled to keep his own peepee from being the big peepee as Bob sucked in a breath of air.

"Mah luv." Bob said, her accent feminine and cockney. Semen leaked from her eye sockets with every word. "I feel so pregnant."

Ferris Bueller's eyes lit up like the Tim Horton's employee who tried to kick me out, when I didn't bite them this time. "Really?!"

"Oh yes." Bob gargled with greasy feminine sensuality. "I feel. just so fucking preggers right now. I'm so full of fucking babies, the pope is going to confuse me for his garden shed."

"Yay!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog squealed before Bob exploded.

And then Bob exploded. What happened? Babies.

So many babies that looked like sonic the hedgehog with latex masks instead of faces. All their genitals were simpsons characters.

"We must go, our planet needs us." Said the penis of the baby whose penis looked like Poochie the Dog before their entire animation layer flew into the sky .

"I am a father!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog said triumphantly before sweeping Bob into a paper bag and preparing to leave.

"Not just yet!" Sonic said, pointing at Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog like he was in the animes. "Now its YOUR turn!"

"OH GOD PLEASE- I mean Okay… I guess." Ferris Bueller the hedgehog trued to play it cool. The only thing he wanted more that getting his wife fucked by Sonic the Hedgehog is the honour to sup upon Sonic's little trouser Flanders himself.

Sonic grinned, revealing his hideous mouth full of children's teeth. The ground began to break around him. "I hope you like cookies.


	3. Chapitero Treebeard

About the Author:

Buster Manwomb is to high society what high society is to hymens.

Interactions are always destructive and legally unconsented.

Chapter 3: the Wreckoning

It looked like the sandman from the erotic classic Spiderman 3 was seeping up from the cracks in the floor around Sonic the Hedgehog, if he was made up of crushed oreos and chips ahoy cookies.

"Gasp! Mister Christie!" Ferris Wheel the hedgehog gasped. "What are you doing here instead of making oreos and other packaged baked goods, appreciated by stoned people across the world?!"

"Well!" Mister Christie boomed, his voice like if Treebeard fucked Vincent Price. He raised his arms and did that showy stretch that cute boys in swimming animes do. "You can't want to get cucked by my penis without-BLEARGH!"

Mister Christie vomited a deadly mass of oven fresh Oreos onto the ground, which was very quickly swept up and packaged by minimum wage workers.

While the minimum wage workers did their work, Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog looked unto Mr Christie's penis, and saw that it was Sonic!

"Oh mah creamy shit!" Ferris Bueller the hedgehog said as Mr Christie pinned him to the floor. "Your penis is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG?!"

"YE." Mr Christie declared. "And for the appropriation of his totally cool baby syrup, you must pay your dues, all up in your butt!"

"Shiiiiit." Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog said consensually, hiking up his asshole. "Why you wanna go for the gusto so quickly? Get Fisty, Mister Christie!

Taking the suggestion, Mister Christie bundled up his fists and plunged into Ferris Bueller The Hedgehogs asshole, doing to it what being a lesbian did to Ellen Degeneres' career in the mid-to-late 90s.

"Oh hot damn!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog mewled as Mister Christie withdrew his hands.

As it turns out, Mister Christie's endurance isn't great. He called in the Cookie Monster to eat out Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's asshole while the chugged a gatorade, then cheekily stuffed his penis, Sonic the Hedgehog, inside Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's genitals.

"Whoa!" Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog said as he felt his internal orgas get tickled "What's that?"

"Uh, meow?" Sonic the Hedgehog answered from inside of Ferris Bueller the hedgehog.

That was the penis that broke the camel's back. Sonic's pricks began to brush against Ferris Bueller the hedgehog's manwomb-which is a canonical organ in the manwombverse- causing it to open up more awkwardly and loudly than a wine-drunk white woman, eat Sonic whole, then spit him out.

This in turn made Mister Christie ejaculate entire puddles of Peek Frean's jam-filled biscuits out of Sonic's mouth and into Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog's mouth.

"Ohhhhhh," Ferris Bueller the Hedgehog moaned, his mouth full. "Mister Christie, you make good cockies."

"Dayum straight!" Sexually satisfied, Mister Christie fucked off.

Ferris Bueller sat on the floor, caked in Mister Christie's delicious cum. The cookies had long bemade stale when he finally had the energy to speak.

"Wow!"Ferris Bueller the hedgehog declared with erotic satisfaction. "All this time I tried to make babies outside of me, when the baby making was inside of me all along, and it's SONIC! I rebirthed Sonic! That makes me his mom! Wowie Zowie!"

Ignoring his likely case of internal bleeding, Ferris Bueller the hedgehog swept up Bob, and then left to perform the traditional celebration for getting fucked by Sonic the Hedgehog: having gay sex on the counter of a Chick Fil-A.

THE END.

Follow the cadaveriffic Adventures of North America's most talented writer ever on Twitter at BusterManwomb!

You probably won't get put on a watchlist.


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